I note the contrast between the guy who said “marriage isn’t there to make you happy” & the ending comments about modern marriage being at the apex of Maslow’s pyramid. I think there is a truth to both. Marriage can & should be wonderful, but if we start thinking that we have a right for it to be better than we experience it then this can breed resentment that sabotages opportunities for improvement. Related to your comments about contempt, it’s easy to get into a standoff where both spouses are demanding the other own the blame for their frustrations
It takes real skill to be a good couples therapist, especially since you likely need to simultaneously handle two very different communication styles. If they were good at communicating they probably wouldn’t be there!
Many men have anecdotes of couples therapy where their experience was that the therapist’s primary role was to take the wife’s side in arguments. It can be very easy to jump from “what are your perceived unmet needs?” to telling the spouse how to meet them. Whereas once a person can understand & own their own unmet needs they are in a much better place to share them with their spouse such that meeting those needs becomes a joint investment in the relationship
I hear that last point a lot. Good couples therapy creates a space where both partners can articulate their unmet needs clearly and feel heard. But understanding each other’s needs doesn’t guarantee they’ll be met, so you're right that the solution can’t just be, “You heard the lady, now meet her need.” Those needs are the starting point for negotiation, not a handoff of responsibility. Some needs conflict too much to be solvable (like wanting kids vs. not wanting kids), while others can be worked through with compromise or creative problem-solving. The real work is in understanding and honoring each other’s core needs, then figuring out if there’s a path forward that works for both.
Exactly. We should also be careful not to weaponize our needs against our partners, or confuse our wants with our needs. The attitude that "this is my need and you have to meet it no matter what" isn't productive. Our needs should be framed on terms that are more fundamental. Saying that you need to feel more connected and seen by your partner is different than saying "I need flowers once a month and a date night every Friday," even though gifting flowers and going on date nights can be ways of seeking connection and expressing love, those aren't needs. Or saying "I need sex once a week". That isn't a need as much as "I need to feel desired by my partner and express my desire through physical intimacy." Aiming for sex once a week might be a way to meet a need, but sex once a week isn't a need, it's a want.
That was interesting
I note the contrast between the guy who said “marriage isn’t there to make you happy” & the ending comments about modern marriage being at the apex of Maslow’s pyramid. I think there is a truth to both. Marriage can & should be wonderful, but if we start thinking that we have a right for it to be better than we experience it then this can breed resentment that sabotages opportunities for improvement. Related to your comments about contempt, it’s easy to get into a standoff where both spouses are demanding the other own the blame for their frustrations
It takes real skill to be a good couples therapist, especially since you likely need to simultaneously handle two very different communication styles. If they were good at communicating they probably wouldn’t be there!
Many men have anecdotes of couples therapy where their experience was that the therapist’s primary role was to take the wife’s side in arguments. It can be very easy to jump from “what are your perceived unmet needs?” to telling the spouse how to meet them. Whereas once a person can understand & own their own unmet needs they are in a much better place to share them with their spouse such that meeting those needs becomes a joint investment in the relationship
I hear that last point a lot. Good couples therapy creates a space where both partners can articulate their unmet needs clearly and feel heard. But understanding each other’s needs doesn’t guarantee they’ll be met, so you're right that the solution can’t just be, “You heard the lady, now meet her need.” Those needs are the starting point for negotiation, not a handoff of responsibility. Some needs conflict too much to be solvable (like wanting kids vs. not wanting kids), while others can be worked through with compromise or creative problem-solving. The real work is in understanding and honoring each other’s core needs, then figuring out if there’s a path forward that works for both.
Exactly. We should also be careful not to weaponize our needs against our partners, or confuse our wants with our needs. The attitude that "this is my need and you have to meet it no matter what" isn't productive. Our needs should be framed on terms that are more fundamental. Saying that you need to feel more connected and seen by your partner is different than saying "I need flowers once a month and a date night every Friday," even though gifting flowers and going on date nights can be ways of seeking connection and expressing love, those aren't needs. Or saying "I need sex once a week". That isn't a need as much as "I need to feel desired by my partner and express my desire through physical intimacy." Aiming for sex once a week might be a way to meet a need, but sex once a week isn't a need, it's a want.
Very intresting discussion on modern love and cheating 👏