“Men Don’t Marry the Woman They Love, They Marry the Woman in Front of Them”
That’s why every man has “the one who got away,” according to Tiktok.
“Men marry the woman in front of them at the time they are ready to get married,” says Tiktoker Tay Talks.
In a viral video, Tay explains that men don’t marry the woman they actually love the most, they marry the woman they’re dating when they consciously decide they’re ready to settle down.
The idea is that men will only see marriage as an option when they are emotionally and financially ready, and therefore will miss the opportunity of marrying their soulmate on account of bad timing.
According to this theory, all men have “one who got away” they often reminisce about.
As with all popular theories on romantic relationships, this one has some truth to it — but it would be a mistake to believe it applies to everyone.
Plenty of men marry women they’re madly in love with but at the same time, the most amazing, beautiful, thoughtful woman can’t make a man interested in marriage if marriage isn’t a part of his values, or if he’s not ready to get married.
How men and women see marriage
Women are brought up to fear wasting too much time in the search for a partner and missing the marriage “boat.” They’re not expected to consider for too long whether they’re ready for marriage or not, they’re expected to be ready pretty much the moment they become adults.
Women are taught it’s dangerous to date casually, and dangerous to get too involved with anyone they don’t see a future with. They’ll either break up with men they don’t see themselves married to or do everything in their power to make these men “fit” into the vision they have for the future — even though a little voice in her head keeps telling them it’s not going to work out.
Men are brought up to not even consider getting married unless they’re ready in every possible sense: psychologically, emotionally, and financially. It can get to the point where men overthink what it means to be ready and whether or not they are, which can definitely cost them precious opportunities for partnering up with women they’re in love with.
The myth of the “right” woman
I’ve said it before — and I’ll say it again — the idea that women have a responsibility to somehow “fix” men is dangerous.
“He just hasn’t met the ‘right’ woman yet” is the oldest excuse in the book for men who not only remain single well into their forties but who act irresponsibly and refuse to grow up.
The expectation that being the “right” woman, the woman who’s just so special he can’t afford to lose, will make a man completely change his ways leads too many women to invest in men who are simply not interested in changing.
His desire to be a certain kind of person, and his views of marriage as a value to aspire to (or not) make a bigger difference in his attitude than having the “right” woman by his side.
The “right” woman can give him the strength to carry on with his purpose, but the purpose must come first. She can’t change a man who’s not interested in changing.
That’s the part where the timing argument makes sense. It doesn’t matter how much he loves the woman he’s with, if he’s not interested in or doesn’t feel ready for marriage, chances are he won’t get married at all — or will at the very least drag his feet as much as possible.
Settling for “good enough”
When it comes to decision-making, human beings are either maximizers or satisficers.
Satisficers aim for a good enough decision. They tend to establish a minimum set of criteria that would satisfice them, and once they find an option that meets that set of criteria, they take it.
Maximizers believe there’s a better option out there — a perfect option — and they’ll find it as long as they keep looking. Maximizers can’t be content with a choice unless they’re sure it’s the perfect one, but how can they know they’ve found the perfect option until they’ve exhausted every possibility? As long as there might be something better out there, the maximizer won’t be satisfied with what he does have.
Maximizers and satisficers are not divided by sex. A man can be either a maximizer or a satisficer. If he’s a satisficer, there’s a higher chance he’ll marry the good enough option sooner rather than later. If he’s a maximizer, he might eventually end up pushed toward marriage, but he’ll doubt his decision for the rest of his life.
The truth about one who got away
The one who got away will be forever a girlfriend.
The one who got away will always seem like the ideal option, the one he loved the most because that story never advanced to the next chapter. He never got to see what being married to her was actually like, so in his mind, it would have been perfect.
He’ll remember her as the fun and relaxed girlfriend he hung out with. He’ll remember the many times they had spontaneous sex couch while watching a movie on a Saturday night. He’ll remember eating take-out out of the box and leaving the boxes on the counter until the next day, or the day after when they finally took out the trash.
This girl has an unfair advantage over the girl he ends up marrying: she never had to become the nagging wife.
The wife can’t have spontaneous couch sex with you because of the kids, or because she’s exhausted from trying to manage a full-time job and housework. By the way, your Saturday night movie is now Frozen, for the twentieth time, and nothing could get either of you less in the mood.
The wife worries about making healthy home-cooked meals instead of ordering take-out, and god forbid leaving trash on the counter overnight.
The wife is stressed out and worried, and anytime she snaps at her husband, he gets a free pass to daydream about his “one who got away.”
It’s tempting to daydream about “the one who got away” when you’re going through a rough patch in your marriage, or when your expectations for marriage were so off base that now you’re disappointed beyond belief, regardless of how much you loved your wife when you married her.
When a man who’s going through a rough patch in his marriage confesses how often he thinks about the one who got away, it’s easy to conclude that he married the wrong person.
So we assume he didn’t marry for love, he married because the timing was right.
But that conclusion is often based on biases, fantasy, and the rewriting of history.
Thank you for reading. If enjoy stories about love and relationships like this one, you might also enjoy my book. Acid Sugar is available for Kindle, and you can read it for free with your Kindle Unlimited subscription.
“He just hasn’t met the ‘right’ woman yet” is the oldest excuse in the book for men who not only remain single well into their forties but who act irresponsibly and refuse to grow up.
I have never understood why women try to pressure and shame men into commitment. Growing up doesn't mean getting married or commiting to a woman. When it comes to dating it seems as if men can't have standards or exercise their options if women perceive these standards and options as detrimental to their own chances of securing commitment.
Divorce is 80 - 20 (ish) with women initiating four times as often as men! Then it makes sense to me if a man is four times more reluctant to enter into marriage. He knows that when he is commited, he is commited for life. (At least more so than a woman.) He knows he has more to lose.
In "the-good-old-days" men had to get married to get sex, now he can either get plenty of sex without commitment (if he has high enough mate-value), or he can get zero sex, if he has low mate-value, or even when married, (after a couple of years).
Further, he knows that if he enters into marriage, he will be relegated to playing a "bit-part".
From PEW:
"The survey finds that in 43% of all couples it’s the woman who makes decisions in more areas than the man. By contrast, men make more of the decisions in only about a quarter (26%) of all couples. And about three-in-ten couples (31%) split decision-making responsibilities equally."
(https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2008/09/25/women-call-the-shots-at-home-public-mixed-on-gender-roles-in-jobs/)
I don't want to limit womens options in any way, but actions have consequences. You can't both have your cake and eat it.