Why We Love the Ones Who Don’t Love Us Back
And why “acting chill” kind of works.
“Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and gives her a sort of distinction among her companions”
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice.
That’s what Mr. Bennet says to Elizabeth when Mr. Bingley leaves Hertfordshire, leaving Jane to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.
Unrequited love isn’t exactly what any of us wishes for, but somewhere along the way, our culture has determined that suffering for love is kind of fun — or at least, in Mr. Bennet’s words, distinctive. So we end up falling in love with people who don’t love us back. It makes us feel special in a way, but that’s not the only outcome of being crossed in love a little now and then.
Most people eventually experience each of the following romantic scenarios: (Yes, this has probably been you at some point in your life).
You like someone and they either don’t like you back or keep you on your toes, always wondering what exactly they feel for you. One weekend they’re all about making out with you, holding your hand in public, and whispering sweet nothings into your ear. The following Monday, they don’t even reply to your good morning text. You’ll hear back from them maybe on Wednesday, and the interaction will be so lukewarm you’ll be left wondering what on earth is going on. That weekend, of course, they don’t even consider asking you out, at least not until you reach out and insist on seeing them;
Someone likes you very much, but you’re not interested. You tell them so, but they don’t seem to hear. Perhaps you give them a chance, hoping you’ll warm up to them eventually, or you convince yourself you don’t really know what you want, so why not give it a try? So you go out, you make out, you have a long and deep conversation that stretches into the wee hours of the morning. The next day they send you a good morning text and you don’t even register. You forget to reply up until two days later, and by the time the next weekend rolls around, the prospect of kissing them one more time is less enticing than ever. You end up acting lukewarm without meaning to — but your detachment only makes the other person more interested than ever.
Those are two different sides of the same coin.
But why does it work like that? Why is it that when the person you like is too easily and readily available to you, it kind of turns you off a little bit?
Why is it that the person you’re least interested in, the one you act hot-and-cold with (without necessarily meaning to) is the person who wants you the hardest?
Why does “acting chill” and playing games designed to keep a love interest on their toes seem to work in keeping them invested and actively pursuing you instead of giving up?
Perceived scarcity creates value
In a capitalist free market, supply and demand generally determine the price of goods and services. Generally speaking, the higher the supply, and the lower the demand, the cheaper the product. That’s why products or services that are scarce (or perceived as scarce) are valued more highly.
Retailers create artificial scarcity environments to persuade consumers to buy a product. Just think of how many times Kylie Jenner has launched a limited edition product of her makeup line that sold out within hours and you’ll get the picture. The promise of a limited edition product had consumers rushing to fill in their virtual shopping carts to not miss out on what was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (If you’re not into makeup, just know it’s a strategy that usually works — and products are often restocked a few days later “per popular demand”).
Think also of the limited editions, 10-of-a-kind Ferraris that sell for millions of dollars. Ferrari could make 10,000 cars instead of only 10, but the more cars of the same kind there are available, the less each individual car is worth.
When we apply that logic to romantic relationships, the perceived scarcity of someone plays a part in how interested we are in them. If they’re always around, always easily within reach, they feel cheap (for lack of a better word). When someone has an empty calendar just waiting for you to fill every slot, their time seems somewhat less valuable than if you had to wait for an opportunity when they’re free.
“The reason behind this idea has to do with the psychology of “reactance”: Essentially, when we think something is limited to us, we tend to want it more.” — The New York Times
When someone’s time and attention, not to mention their affection, is limited to us, we tend to want it more.
Our brains are wired to seek reward
In 2010 a study, researchers found that romantic rejection “stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings.”
“The team found that participants’ brains were more active in areas associated with motivation, reward, craving, addiction, physical pain, and distress when they looked at the photo of the person who had rejected them than when they looked at the photo of the neutral person.” Source.
The results of the research suggest that you can actually get addicted to a person — and addiction works by activating the reward system in your brain through dopamine.
When you’re in a relationship, you constantly receive dopamine hits by spending time and doing pleasurable things together. When that relationship comes to an end, the effects of addiction can still be felt in the way you miss the dopamine hits you used to get.
If you’re struck by unrequited love, you get similarly addicted by imagining scenarios in which your love works out. By creating a relationship in your head, you’re addicting yourself to an idea of what could be.
Attachment styles also play a part
Your attachment style plays a part in how much being crossed in love appeals to you.
Attachment styles are formed in childhood, through the patterns established between the child and her parents, or primary caregiver. They go on to influence how we establish other relationships in adulthood, especially with our romantic partners.
Researchers have found that about 60% of the general population form secure attachments, while the remaining 40% are equally divided between the maladaptive attachment styles: anxious and avoidant (which can be either fearful-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant).
As the name says, having a secure attachment style means you feel secure in your relationships. It means you generally trust your partner’s stated feelings and intentions, you don’t constantly wonder where they are or whether they still like you when you haven’t heard from them in a while.
Having an avoidant attachment style inspires you to push people away, even though deep down you crave connection. It can make you suspicious of people who want to get too close and make it difficult for you to engage in a healthy and balanced relationship.
Having an anxious attachment style means you’re constantly doubting your partner and the relationship. When they’re not around, you’re distracted until they come back — which you often feel they won’t do. Having an anxious attachment style makes you more prone to pursuing unavailable partners since you thrive on the push-and-pull nature of that relationship.
Having an anxious attachment style might be one reason (although not the only one) why you keep falling in love with people who don’t love you back — because being crossed in love touches your anxious sensibilities just the right way.
A happy medium: be selectively interested
Although playing games in romantic relationships is far from your best strategy, there’s an undeniable appeal in appearing slightly unattached so that the object of your affection sees you as a challenge. In other words, there’s a reason acting chill kind of works.
In an article for The New York Times, Cindy Lamothe explores the concept of making yourself scarce in the interest of furthering your career by acting less eager to take on every project or job opportunity, therefore appearing more in demand and increasing your value as a professional. It’s not hard to stretch the concepts she describes to cover romantic relationships as well.
Instead of playing games and forcing yourself to act chill, try involving yourself in other activities and interests so you’re not just sitting by your phone expecting it to ring. The goal isn’t to fake disinterest, but to let them know that you have options.
Being selectively interested includes not clearing out your entire social calendar in the expectation that that one special person will ask you on a date: keep up your appointments and let them work to find a time slot when you’re actually free. Don’t make up fake commitments to appear busy, actually have a life outside of dating and romance to keep you grounded.
When you get a text, take a minute to think of a reply. Don’t try to calculate how long you should take to answer, don’t set a timer or look at your watch wondering if 10 minutes is too long, just give yourself time to breathe and think of what you’d like to say. But also, keep in mind that texting non-stop all day makes you come across as not having anything better to do, which can be incredibly unattractive.
If you have to be selective of who you work with, you have to be even more selective of who you give your time and attention romantically. People do like to be crossed in love every once in a while, and there’s no shame in taking some advantage of that effect.
Try not to force anything that doesn’t come naturally to you, but remember that having options and keeping your priorities straight beats coming across as overeager and desperate any day.
Well I can most certainly relate to this. Some great insights, Renata. Thanks for sharing them.