She's Not Divorcing You Because You Golf Too Much - Archived Bonus Post
She's divorcing you because you've been hiding.
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The sun sets behind the 18th hole while you and your buddies gather the equipment to leave. You look up at the pink and purple colors of the sky and sigh in contentment. It’s been a great Saturday. You started the game at around 11 am. You told your wife you’d be home at around 3 pm, or 3:30 pm at the latest, but time flies when you’re having fun.
As you contemplate whether or not you should call her, one of your friends suggests grabbing a beer before heading home. You check your watch, it’s half past 5 pm. You’ve already blown your estimate, what’s another half hour?
You roll into the driveway at 7 pm with a shiver of dread. Your body knows what’s waiting for you inside: a disappointed, cranky wife who won’t look you in the eyes or be in the same room as you for more than a minute. And when she does talk to you again, it will be to nag.
At least the kids are happy to see you. They’re 3 and 5 years old, and all they know of life is happiness. They’re the stark opposite of your wife who, when you try to initiate sex with later on, tells you she’s too tired from watching the kids. You don’t understand how she’s tired from sitting at home all day, you made it through 18 holes on your feet and you’re not complaining.
A couple of years later, you feel blindsided when she files for divorce.
You don’t understand. You’ve always worked hard, sometimes 50 or 60-hour weeks to provide for your family, and despite all of that you’ve always found time to play with the kids. You haven’t taken your wife out on a date in a while, that’s true, and she takes on most of the challenging aspects of parenting, but how couldn’t she see you had been busting your butt all these years? She had been saying you golf too much, but it was her choice to fixate on your golfing instead of everything you have always done for the family.
This story seems exaggerated, but social media evidence suggests it’s not far off. On TikTok, men see it as a joke while women take offense.
A TikTok that’s supposed to be funny depicts a man standing on a golf course, calling his wife. He tells her he’s on hole #9 and there’s a “super slow group in front of us, so it will probably be another two hours.” The camera pans to show he’s actually standing by the 18th hole, ready to swing. What he’s going to do with an extra two hours is anyone’s guess.
Another tiktok shows a man interviewing his buddies. The question is “What time did you tell your wife you were going to be home?” The men answer “Around 3:30,” but the sun setting behind them and the creator’s note that it’s 5:40 pm tell us how far off their estimates were.
The comments on the videos reveal how women feel about it, running along the lines of how disrespectful these men’s attitudes are toward their spouse’s time, how no one should joke about lying to their spouse, and finally, sarcasm: “I don’t know why she wants a divorce, I feel blindsided.”
Frustrated men, misunderstood women.
Golfing isn’t the problem. Taking time away from your spouse to play a sport and hang out with your buddies isn’t the problem. Separating time of your busy week for leisure and maintaining social connections is important for anyone’s mental health.
At the same time, the problem isn’t as simple as “communicate better,” or “don’t lie to your spouse about what time you’re planning to be home.”
The problem is avoidance.
Generally speaking, humans suck at communicating their needs because they suck at identifying them.
You might translate your need for individuality and time with your friends as “Why can’t I just go out to play some golf and turn my phone off? I’m only asking for one afternoon of peace.”
You might translate your fear of being inadequate and disappointing your spouse as pressure to work long hours until you’re too mentally and physically exhausted to be fully present with them at home; and on the weekends, hide away at the golf course so you can pretend the fear isn’t there.
Your wife might translate her fear of abandonment, and her need for your presence as “You told me you’d be back at 3:30 pm, it’s 3:45 pm. Where were you?”
Your wife might translate her mom guilt as “I have to do everything to make sure it’s done right.” She’ll inadvertently practice maternal gatekeeping, placing herself between you and your children because not being perfect is an existential threat to her.
When you tell her you’re going golfing and you’ll be home by 3 pm, she creates a mental list of everything she’s getting done around the house once you’re back to take over childcare. When you fail to return in time, she’s already behind on her to-do list and feeling like a failure.
When your wife can’t express this feeling of failure, whether because she doesn’t understand it herself or she fears you won’t understand, it’s easier to nag. The more she nags, the more you stretch your hours at the golf course to avoid her, and a vicious cycle begins.
It’s time to take responsibility
If you can’t express to your wife how important taking some personal time is to you, and she can’t express to you how lonely she feels taking on the mental load of running the household, it’s time to take responsibility to change that.
We tend to fall into relationship patterns, but these are not set in stone. Learning to manage your own emotions so you can be open to listening and accepting your spouse’s emotions is an essential step to changing a pattern that’s not working.
If you feel the need to run from your spouse, it might be because you’ve helped create an environment where you don’t feel safe, accepted, and heard. If you keep running, you’ll only make it worse.
It’s time to turn around and listen with an open heart.
You might feel offended when your wife says she’s unhappy, after all, you provide her with every material comfort she could wish for.
You might feel hurt when she says she’s lonely, after all, you come home every night and the kids are always around.
You might feel wronged when she says she’s afraid you’ll leave, after all, you love her with all your heart and you made her a promise.
But while you deal with your emotions by hiding from them, she might feel extremely insecure and require constant reassurance — sometimes more than you’re willing to give. For you to have your space and for her to feel safe, you’ll have to meet in the middle. Hint: that’s what couple’s therapy is for.
You’ll have to open up to let her in and vice-versa, and to an avoidant like yourself, that’s going to be hard. But if you take responsibility and do the work you might not only save your marriage but build a better one — and become a better person in the process.